Strength

These past few days I have been thinking about getting stronger in my yoga practice. But then I started questioning myself on circumstances of my everyday life. As with my practice, this one transcends the mat.

I’ve always wondered if strength can be taught. How does one encourage oneself to become that strong person? Is it mainly a personal attribute or personality trait? Something you are born with perhaps. How do you learn to be strong when you don’t possess this quality naturally?

Is the path always going to be so hard?

And if you can’t motivate yourself enough to be strong, will it mean that you have failed? Will it mean that you won’t get any stronger because you didn’t take yourself “there”?

My personal philosophy in life is this: Everything can be learned. By the self. Thru the self. Through experiences, circumstances, immediate environment. By fate. By faith. But this strength thing, this letting go of the fear, is becoming a lesson that’s so hard to instill in myself. If this was a school, I was barely getting by this course.

How do you teach yourself?

Is it going to be a major “Fake it til you make it” project for me to make for your own?

I hope there’s a manual for these things. I love learning, and I love and respect the process. But when frustration sets in, you just want to set things in motion already. Expedite the process. Because it is necessary and needed. As soon as possible. Sometimes I think this impatience can take me “there”, but then again, will the quality be enough? Will I be able to maintain it? I’ve learned that things gained through fast and easy means are short-lived and valued less because they feel “instant, given and automatic”. Talk about being entitled. But none of that. I think I’m just being real. And it’s human nature to take things for granted anyway. (Although I hope it weren’t so)

Til I know the answers, the process ensues. Maybe in time. I hope it will be worth it.

Ouch.

I can hear the gazillion “I told you so” that I will be receiving. But I’m not mad. I will never be mad at anyone. I can be mad at myself but really, what’s the point? I know how it all ends and honestly, it’s not worth the self-loathing episode.

Rather than mad, I’m actually sad. I think I’ve mentioned it to people that I can never stay mad or be actually angry at someone. I would always be disappointed or frustrated than angry.

So yeah, I’m sad about all this. I thought.. I wished.. I hoped. Whatever. I’m still sad about this. No regrets really, but oh, the pain.. It’s going to hurt so bad. Actually, it IS hurting so bad. I never expected it to be so painful. And in reality, it’s not the makes-you-cry-with-wailing-and-monologue kind of painful, it’s the quiet, slow, silent type. Imagine tears falling in slow motion.

Basta. Ayoko nang mag-English at magsulat at magsalita. Ang sakit-sakit! YUN NA YUN.

Smashed.

I am currently smashed…physically, emotionally and mentally.

I’ve never felt this way in recent times. Looking back, I’m satisfied to say that I was very happy most of the time. Mainly because I’ve found something new to do in my life. Something that I think, believe and know that is worthwhile doing. 

For me to say that about something means a lot. And it means it is true. But I feel this is not the occasion for me to be talking about this absolutely lovely and welcome revelation in my life.

 

Going back to the melancholy of the very early morning, a thought rammed straight at me while I was on Facebook. None in my immediate circle of friends seem to be doing what I currently enjoy doing. I treasure my friends very much, I love them to death but I just feel so miserable right now because none of them can join me in this fitness journey. Each has been preoccupied with his/her issues in life. Actually, at this moment, I’m feeling more and more what I have “put off” feeling about my closest friends. Here’s the thing: I think the differences that exist between us all have become more and more obvious and evident. Sometimes I think I may be weirder compared to them. Sometimes I even think I’m abnormal. I don’t know, maybe, deep inside, my friends think the same way about me. These differences are things that I can’t simply explain or resolve or reconcile with them. To address this, it’s just easier to get past it all and try to “compartmentalize” (for a lack of a better term)

 

 But I don’t ever want to be un-friends with my dear friends. I don’t take it against them when they think I’m weird (BUT I’d actually be happier if they keep such comments for themselves because I KNOW I CAN BE weird sometimes, that’s enough). I actually find our relationship very dynamic amidst the very static nature (we rarely go out, and when we do, we only just eat or videoke, etc). I like that there is awareness of the differences of each other, that there is an unspoken code of friendship existing among us. I like that there is mutual respect because of this awareness.

So yeah, I turned that negative thought into a positive. Yeah! I’m feeling better by the minute. 🙂

Anyway. Maybe this extremely sudden bout of misery and alone-ness (which I suspect is just hormonal or is just something brought about the lactic acid accumulating in my arms/THE FATIGUE!!!) is something negative that you turn positive. All I’m sure that I want right now is to meet new people along this journey with the same passion as mine. So here’s to hoping and meeting more inspiring, awesome, motivational, hardcore people who are just as pumped up as I am in the different things and passions that I care deeply about and that I am going to be pursuing no matter what.

Intricacies

 

This song was originally by Neyo. This is a beautiful cover in my opinion. I really like Jake’s voice, it’s so much like Noah’s. It’s very “gwapo”, manly, a man’s man kind of singing voice. This rendition is a much more tame, gentler version of the dance-y track from Neyo. I really like how this version is so arranged because it seems more appropriate for the meaning of the song.

Congruent with what I am feeling at the moment, this song says it all, especially the lines:

Much as you blame yourself,

You can’t be blamed for the way that you feel

Had no example of a love,

That was even remotely real

How can you understand

Something that you never had?

It struck a chord in me. It’s so accurate, I don’t have the perfect example. I, myself, am still exploring the intricacies of love. I’m no player of these games so unfortunately, I have always been love’s fool.

Sometimes I’m beginning to think that maybe it’s not for me..

 

My Problem and Solution

I will be honest. All these years, I’ve always been regarded as the expressive one since I’m always full of ideas and bursting with emotions. But in reality, I’m not as expressive than what they expect me to be. Years of psycho-analyzing people and “emotional espionage” made me the superficial textbook-definition of unfeeling. As expressive as I feel inside, time and events in the past made me a person incapable of showing how I feel towards others. When people are important to me, I do not show signs of such things. I’ve never felt special so I don’t know how to make people feel special. I’m just not adept to those skills. I’m not as nurturing or for a lack of a better, more eloquent term, “showy” when it comes to my true feelings. Most of the times I seem indifferent to the world but I do care a lot. I just don’t know how to show it to the world.

I’ve realized that this trait won’t get me too far with the people I love. It would probably lead me to a dead end in these types of relationships. I am so dysfunctional when dealing with these things that when faced with a situation of real and raw emotions, I completely strike out. I would always look lost and incompetent in handling these situations.

But I plan to change. This year I would really go the extra mile for the people I cherish. And make them feel how I exactly feel when they’re with me: happy. I’d look out for them and just genuinely care for them.

 

Cheers to a brand new start. I might have lost people along the way with this trait but I won’t lose the people who stuck around even if I am so dysfunctional.

So, this wednesday…

Prepared for a number of days for an exam that really has no certainty of happening.

When the day of the exam finally came, surprise, surprise, our professor was absent. I really wanted to take the exam already because I don’t want to spend my christmas vacation stressing about it anymore.  😥

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

  1. so

Everything- on fire.

Really. What’s up with that? From Caleb Followill (he really has a lovely last name) to Alicia Keys. Their lovely and amazing voices continue to deliver infamous lyrics (sex on fire, girl on fire), burning logic in my teeny tiny brain in these lonesome wee hours of the night. Really, I don’t get why I feel that those lyrics are just so powerful and deep and profound. eh they seem bastos kaya! Anyway, I just want to listen to all those lovely voices fill me in and relieve this heavy burden I am currently carrying.

Oh, I wish someone would just set me on fire right now.

edit: somehow, “mental health” came up in the suggested tags tab. now what the shiz is going on right now?!?! bzzzz